I have some block right now about following any sort of healthy eating and living plan. I had been doing amazingpants in March and April. I felt in control. I was running regularly in the sleet and snow and crappy weather, even. I had all sorts of challenges that might have derailed me but did not because I was super focused on what I wanted to accomplish. I tried new things — yoga! And then the end of April came and it spilled into May and into June. I have gained back some weight, I’m eating everything in sight, and I’m not moving much. Oh, and feeling sorry for myself a fair bit, too.
My first step was to journal everything that I ate and even then, I caught myself shrugging it off after breakfast — after a healthy breakfast. What’s my problem that I can’t even write things down? Do I care so little about myself that I can’t even take such a teeny tiny step as putting pen to paper? I have forced myself to do it for the last two days and it’s been like pulling nails. Painful! Healthy changes happen between the ears and I obviously have some room to grow there.
As I’ve said elsewhere recently, I often tell my clients that the place they feel the most comfortable when they desire change is actually the worst place for them. It’s important to be fluid and change things up a little now and then, and accept that it always feels uncomfortable at first. They should sink into that discomfort and notice that it will eventually feel right again. I don’t do that for myself. When things are uncomfortable, I go back to my old habits.
Late April and May were terrible months in so many ways, but I’m ready to take a deep breath and let it go. Today is day 3 of honest journaling and Saturday I will go back to a meeting. Refocusing. I’m not in a healthy place for me and I can’t stay here, even if it’s comfy for bizarre reasons.